Kyle leaves in 6 days.

As much as I've been saying I'll be fine, I know I won't.

I'm going to be a fucking wreck on Tuesday.

Living with my mother is becoming fucking unbearable.

She's a manipulative, whiny, self-centered addict who always has something to say about everything.
I can't open my fucking mouth around her anymore without being subjected to some form of guilt or ridicule.
I'll be happy the entire day... but as soon as I'm around her, I want to break things.
No matter how valid my point is... no matter how neutrally I say it... I'm wrong and I upset her.
Strangely, it's worse now that I'm a happy person. It wasn't nearly this bad when I was depressed.
(and I really AM happy... she's the only thing causing me grief now.)
Maybe I was so depressed that I just didn't care that she treated me like shit.

Well I'm tired of being treated like shit.
I don't deserve it.


I need to stop feeling bad about standing my ground and not letting her manipulate me.
I'm finally seeing the light... and I won't let her try to keep me in the dark anymore.





"at least I'm fucking trying.... what the fuck have you done?"

I just realized that I have less time with Kyle than I thought. December is going to be here so soon... and I don't want to have to say goodbye.

All I can hope for is that I won't have school the day he leaves. I need to be there when he gets on that plane.

Things with Kyle are wonderful.
and
School is going very well.

....except for having to deal with my mom more often.


I hate feeling like I'm being talked at.

I hate that she acts like I'm accusing her of murder anytime I politely tell her that she's doing something that really bothers me.

I hate being the one and only person she dumps all of her emotional baggage on.

I hate how she can take anything and turn it into a fight. Cause you know... telling her that I'll do the dishes (in a non-aggressive way) is obviously cause for her to berate me. Obviously.

I hate that she taught me to take everything personally. No wonder I'm such a big baby.

I love my mom, but god do I ever hate the things she does and the way she acts and the things she says.

It's so hard to make my own personal progress when the person I spend most of my waking life with is so hellbent on bringing me down with her. I'm actually a really happy person now... and I've learned to think much more rationally about the way I react emotionally to situations... but my mother always knows just how to make me feel like I'm a horrible person. I can't help but feel like I'm a prisoner in my own home in some ways.


I'm actually crying for the first time in a long time, and I don't like it.

I've lost ANOTHER 10 pounds... so now I've lost a total of 60.

Wow.

....holy crap, I was fat.

tonight... is about to be the best night ever.

;-D

shwinnnnng!

YES.

Rob is moving to California tomorrow.

It's about damn time.


I don't wish him ill, I just wish him GONE... and he's about to be! :-D

happyhappyhappyhappy day!

I found out that I've lost 50 pounds.

soooo stoked!

that the only person I ever really see aside from my mom is Kyle.

which is wonderful.

but... I feel like he's the only person REALLY in my life right now.


I need friends.

I'm not so slowly but very very surely falling more and more in love with Kyle every day.


I don't care how insane it might sound....

He's the one, and I will marry him one day.

I just know it.

people girls are fucking ridiculous.

seriously. I don't understand it.


FUCK.

As of tomorrow, Kyle and I will have been together for half a year.

It's strange... it doesn't feel like it's been that long, but at the same time it feels like it's been much longer.

He's coming over tomorrow evening and we'll spend the day together on Wednesday. I've planned a yummy breakfast for us and then I'm going to take him to the Shipyard brewery for a tour. (He loves him some Shipyard.)

I'm trying to savor all the time I have with him now. I don't want to take a single thing for granted because come December he'll be gone, and we won't be able to see each other for at least 9 weeks. They will be the longest 9 weeks of my life and surely 9 of the most intense, strenuous weeks of his. If I've learned anything, though, it is that anything worth having is worth working hard for... and Kyle is so worth it. I'd wait as long as I had to just to see him again, even if only for one day.

I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. I still can't believe that I got to be the lucky one.


<3

lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove
love
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove...



LOVE.

<3

<3.


yup, it's grand.

are dumb.

srsly... I'm not a big fan.

we just did some surgery on my computer...

....and found approximately 22,497 pounds of dust.

And a feather.

Heavy in her nest of down and fur,
A warmth that resonates in her bones
Climbs up her spine and into her mouth
Causing teeth to chatter.
A song will surely relieve this pressure...

Too soon, too soon!

Be patient, little chickadee,
And wait for the sun to warm your breast.
Stay safe for now in this nest
And revel in its security.
Supress your cries and let
Him take the lead,
For waiting will make spring's arrival
All the sweeter.

updates updates updates!

September 9th will be my first day of classes at SpaTech. 9.9.09. Awesome. (This is good for you, too... free massages!)
I've officially quit smoking. (Lizz + Oxygen = good.)
I've lost a lot of weight and am feeling much more comfortable in my own skin. (Skinny pants = teh awesomest.)
I'm glowing due to a constant influx of Loveitude. (Loveitude, for the unedumacated, is love x infinity + happee + 1. Cubed.)
Muh bestie, Emily, will be living in the OP this summer. This means lots of walking over the bridge. (Buns of steel, here I come!)
I discovered a website completely dedicated to the baking of baked goodily goods. (I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing yet.)
I've also mastered the art of the cinnamon bun. (Again.... good or bad, I'm not entirely sure.)
Apparently I'm going to be making a demo sometime this summer. (Oh, microphone.... where have you been all my life?!)
My birthday is tomorrow. I'm making my own cake. (Which is not a cake at all... but a pan of turtle brownies. HUZZAH!)

I'm having a hard time thinking of any more updates.

So to sum it all up... life's good. :)

I actually kind of forgot about having a LJ account. I've been so caught up in spending time with Kyle and actually doing things in the real world that I've neglected to post or read posts. Woopsies.

So... I'll be clicking the "previous entries" link a few times... because I do want to know what is going on in all of your lives. I'll be sure to comment!
And at some point I'll fill y'all in on what's been going down in my world. Lots of exciting stuff in the works, kids.

<3<3<3

Something is so different about this one. I've never been this happy. It's so much more than the honeymoon phase...  I've found someone who inspires me to think more positively, to smile, to laugh, to grow. He makes me want to be a better woman. I have real reasons to be happy this time around.

It's incredible. It really is.

I'm ready to go swinging blind into the unknown with him by my side.

Maybe this is just a small chapter of my journey...

But who knows... maybe this is it.